Thursday, August 12, 2010

Kris Beech

Aside from everyone’s favorite tinted-visored turncoat Marian Hossa, perhaps no former Penguin in recent memory is as loathed as one Kris Beech. Already under enough pressure having joined the Pens as the centerpiece in the Jaromir Jagr trade, former GM Craig Patrick essentially gave Beech the kiss of death when he anointed him the second-coming of St. Ron Francis. The big centerman from Salmon Arm, British Columbia put up a respectable 25 points in a 2001-02 season that saw him play 79 games with the NHL Penguins. Those modest numbers would turn out to be a career year for the former top-10 draft pick, who spent the next several seasons shuttling back and forth between Wilkes-Barre/Scranton and the Steel City. Beech’s reputation as a moping enigma would grow during those years. In this picture, you can see Lloyd Christmas, I mean Kris Beech getting as close as he ever would to the Stanley Cup.

Like fellow featured bum Shane Endicott, Beech can be spotted in all his unspectacular glory in the NHL Network series “Chasing the Dream,” easily located on Youtube. Portrayed as a talented minor leaguer who struggles to put it together, Beech is most famous in the series for playing a lot of video games, and dressing like a bit of a gangster, wearing rap star-like gold chains and Air Jordan paraphernalia. Ladies, if you've ever fantasized about Beech in a hospital gown, you're in luck, as one episode the cameras follow him to get an MRI. Speaking of ladies, Beech became the envy of all straight males in the Pittsburgh metro area when it was revealed he and former KDKA anchor Sonni Abatta (pictured, left) were an item. Pittsburghers, male and female alike, wondered aloud why, of all the talented hockey players to come through the city, Sonni chose Kris Beech. We may never know. In this photo, Beech looks like the spawn of Bono and Sinead O'Connor, and apparently has re-used his hospital gown for an outing with Sonni.

Beech, pictured left with fellow joke/metrosexual dresser Brooks Laich, continued to cement his legacy as a bust while floating around the minors with various teams throughout the early and mid-2000’s until 2007-08 when Pens GM Ray Shero, in perhaps his only lapse of judgment ever, saw the need to pluck the underachieving slug off waivers to bolster the team’s roster. Beech played five games that season, registering only two penalty minutes (probably on a lazy, half-assed hook or hold). Thanks to either a miracle, possession of incriminating photos of Michel Therrien, or the desparate pleas of a certain KDKA personality, he was invited to camp the following season, where he was booed off the ice after getting ejected from the Pens first preseason game. Shortly after, he refused an assignment to the AHL, and was granted his outright release. He now plays for HV71 in the Swedish league, where he somehow probably finds a way to bang the hot local news anchor and likely eats a lot of meatballs with lingonberry sauce.

FACT: Beech’s NHL totals are/were 25 goals, 42 assists for 67 points, plus 113 penalty minutes in 198 games. He was picked 7th overall by the Capitals in the 1999 NHL draft, which is largely considered to be the worst draft of all time. Therefore, Kris Beech is among the best of the worst. In all his time in Pittsburgh, Beech tallied a massive 27 points, while making $2,635,000. He was paid $97,592 per point with the Pens. What a bum.


  1. There is a great Youtube of him making fun of the Penguins' sweater, right before the Pens picked him up off waivers. What a tool.

  2. Sounds smart to me. If anyone's a tool, it's the people that paid him almost $100K/point! Excellent... Oh, just saw this is pro-Pittsburgh. He was probably making fun of the pens jersey when he was playing for the Caps. Players usually talk smack about teams and other players right before that person becomes their teammate. How long have you been watching hockey???

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